The phone rings. After I answer, a recorded message tells me that a telephone repairperson will be at my house Wednesday to install a 3-letter acronym and I have until 6 p.m. Tuesday to call (7-digit number) and arrange a different time. This is interesting because (1) it's already Wednesday, and (2) nobody has requested any 3-letter acronyms to be installed on our phones or elsewhere, at least as far as I know.

So I phone the seven-digit number and wind up speaking to a creepy interactive automated answering system, which is Telus's way of promoting the Turing test. I flunked; I took so long to reply it started to ask its question all over again. A few more unsatisfactory exchanges later I give up and ask to speak to a human. The machine offers to transfer me to a customer service person, but I have to tell it which type - financial? service? sales? ... fortunately 'I don't know' is an option, and only a few more queries later I get to listen to muzak while waiting to speak to a real live human.

The real live human asks me if I know I owe money on my phone bill, then tells me she can't find anything on my account. I explain that's right, I haven't requested anything and most particularly not the installation of a 3-letter acronym, but I got this call telling me it was happening and to stop it I had to call them yesterday. And by the way, do they have any cheaper phone plans?

Well, I can switch to a plan where I'm only charged 9-cents a minute instead of 14-cents a minute for long distance. Of course, I still have to pay a $4.95 plus taxes administration fee for the program, which equals 55-minutes, as opposed to 35-minutes on my old 14-cents a minute plan. As my Dad says, "never mind the quality, feel the width."

Just out of curiosity, I looked up the regular long distance rates, which range from 35-cents a minute to 75-cents a minute for calls I'm likely to make, depending on time of day, as long as I'm not calling either Afghanistan or Pitcairn Island where only person-to-person calling is available at a flat rate of $4.76 per minute (Afghanistan) or either $2.20 or $2.94 minute (Pitcairn Island). I assume the lower rate for Pitcairn Island - less than direct-dialing Poland - is because the operators aren't dodging live fire and the island is so small s/he can open the door and yell "Hey, Fred! Phone for you."

Assuming the straight long distance rates don't include an administration fee, if I use at least 20-minutes of long distance per month, or 4 hours per year, it does make sense to have a plan and pay an administrative fee, provided my calls aren't going to be mostly to Afghanistan or Pitcairn Island as the rates stay the same plan or no plan because you can't direct-dial.

Oh, and the threatened installation of acronym? Ignore it. It was probably just a wrong number.